"You are not meant for convent life...
..and if you're thinking about it...
I beg you to reconsider..."
I was taken by surprise when two of my male friends wrote me this... perhaps, it was due to my prolonged absence from the social media.
I reflected on the occasions I felt myself torn apart by indecision... but it wasn't about this...
Not at all...
I miss the life I had ~ I call it my glorious years in the mission field. I was young and impulsive. I didn't have second thoughts. Back then, the moment was right ~ pieces fit together.
I dreamt big. I wanted to be included in history as 'somebody' who did this or was good at that...
But there was also a part of me that wished to remain 'hidden'... and that part could only be touched and visited by God.
Early on this week, I finally got to visit a friend who was stricken by cancer. I didn't recognize her when I saw her ~ her face was bloated and she wore a wig ~ but I felt her warmth that told me it was her.
I always see a miracle in sick people. Her priorities changed. She told me before she'd stretch herself to do incredible things but now, she developed 'patience'. She recognized her limitations and became kinder to herself.
I was at a loss for words. I remember another friend telling my colleague not to ask him how he was. "This {cancer} isn't fever... it doesn't go away after taking an analgesic."
There was a remarkable contrast in how people dealt with sensitive issues.
I was reading J.R. Miller's The Hidden Life and in Chapter 1, page 4 he wrote of a similar circumstance:
"...a few minutes' conversation showed me that in all the wasting of physical beauty her spiritual loveliness had not been marred. She had kept near the heart of Christ in all the bitter anguish, and the joy and peace of her inner life had not failed..."
My friend spoke to me of her hopes and aspirations. She had the same plans as I, a pilgrimage in Holy Land or a European Marian Pilgrimage. And hearing her spoke of what keeps her alive just made me reflect on the way I am living my own life...
This brings me back to my dream. What makes me afraid of being forgotten? not being missed? of being a nobody?
I like the words Stephenie Meyer used...
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| google image of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart imprinted... forever! That is how I am in God's heart. Why go on further seeking my importance and attention in other people's eyes... Interior life, that is what is asked of us... |