"We can only learn to know ourselves and do what we can
- namely, surrender our will and fulfill God's will in us."
~St. Teresa of Avila
When first asked by my friend Vishnu to write about the second phase of my life (transition from convent life to the world outside), I was a bit hesitant to share. I needed to find ‘peace’ within me in order to do that.
If you read my journey to the religious life previously,Unveiled: My Life and Lessons as a Nun, you know my faith journey and spiritual life lessons. Today, I want to share with you why I left my old life as a “nun.”
Why I entered
I received my dispensation of vows from Pope Benedict XVI in 2008.
I received my dispensation of vows from Pope Benedict XVI in 2008.
Nobody dared ask me this personally but relatives, friends and neighbours went to talkto my mom when they all saw me ‘without’ the habit.
To explain why I left, you must know why I entered the convent in the first place.
I was filled with idealism and concepts on God, vocation to love, service and what religious life is all about ~ but it entails much much more than that since what should be formed first and foremost is the heart.
I was filled with idealism and concepts on God, vocation to love, service and what religious life is all about ~ but it entails much much more than that since what should be formed first and foremost is the heart.
I had chosen the Franciscan road out of romantic notions of poverty, devoid of knowledge of community life.
Finally, I realized that I had entered religious life not to serve God, but to hide from myself.
I was challenged and confused with my personal relationships. I feared work life and had apprehension over my career. My poor self-esteem was exposed and I doubted my ability to survive in my community.
The pressures great, the choices unlimited.
I was challenged and confused with my personal relationships. I feared work life and had apprehension over my career. My poor self-esteem was exposed and I doubted my ability to survive in my community.
The pressures great, the choices unlimited.
An escape was necessary.
Why I left
It’s hard to admit this now to you but I left my life to escape from my world as I knew it.
Sadly, to escape from myself.
Instead of staying to work through my life’s dilemmas, choices and relationships, I thought I would find comfort and freedom in the religious order. I wrongly believed the convent would liberate me from the struggles of my daily life.
Over some time, I came to realize that I was carrying myself, not Jesus, in the mission field. I slowly came to terms with why I had entered and why I must leave despite the disappointment and pain I would cause to those dearest to me.
Instead of staying to work through my life’s dilemmas, choices and relationships, I thought I would find comfort and freedom in the religious order. I wrongly believed the convent would liberate me from the struggles of my daily life.
Over some time, I came to realize that I was carrying myself, not Jesus, in the mission field. I slowly came to terms with why I had entered and why I must leave despite the disappointment and pain I would cause to those dearest to me.
I realized that the journey to holiness is a grace that needs our cooperation. And in my case, cooperation to fulfill God’s plan was outside religious life.
I realized that I need not force myself into doing something that is contrary to my happiness.
As my spiritual companion puts it, the Lord wants our happiness whether that be with Him as a religious or outside as a lay.
When should you leave
It doesn’t matter what situation you find yourself in life. You may find yourself in circumstances which no longer serve you.
You may have your awakening [earthquake and crisis] at the most inconvenient times. God may be telling you to move on. To leave the structures.
You may have your awakening [earthquake and crisis] at the most inconvenient times. God may be telling you to move on. To leave the structures.
With my story as the backdrop, I share with you 5 signs you should know when it’s time for you to leave behind your vocation, your dream, your relationship, your fear, your insecurities.
1. When you feel the need to be true to yourself.
I realized that I had been afraid of other people, especially the opposite sex. Afraid of relationships, afraid of heartbreak and afraid of the pain which came when relationships evolved.
You will find that hiding behind the veil of what you’re afraid might be scary and unpleasant but you still have to let go. If you decided to let go, you evolve through the pain and change and come out stronger.
If you face your fears, you might find pain, but you'll also find your strength.
It is a very humbling and liberating experience to accept the truth.
Once you decide to be true to yourself, you'll no longer compromise your mental health or emotional well-being. Your heart [desire] and mind [will] are aligned.
2. When you need to face your fears.
If you face your fears, you might find pain, but you'll also find your strength.
It is a very humbling and liberating experience to accept the truth.
Once you decide to be true to yourself, you'll no longer compromise your mental health or emotional well-being. Your heart [desire] and mind [will] are aligned.
2. When you need to face your fears.
One of the main reasons, I did not decide on leaving immediately was fear ~ of the future. How would I fare outside? I was already in my thirties and I felt inadequate.
Since I have been out now for some time, I can assure you that with God’s guidance, all will turn out well for you. Your worst fears won’t materialize.
You might stumble and take some time to stand on your feet but you will stand. You will find new opportunities, more suitable employment, more fitting partners.
3. When you need to confront the unknown.
There are two roads one follows in decision making:The road to trust the process that will lead to discovery and reality or the road back to despair and dependency.
There are two roads one follows in decision making:The road to trust the process that will lead to discovery and reality or the road back to despair and dependency.
I constantly chose certainty which led to despair. It took me several months more to finally tell my superiors that I wish to leave the religious life.
While no one likes what the unknown may offer, the unknown is filled with possibility and will allow you to live your essence, your true self.
While no one likes what the unknown may offer, the unknown is filled with possibility and will allow you to live your essence, your true self.
4. When you need to stand up for your life.
I didn’t wish to take full responsibility so I waited for my superiors to decide but that did not happen. The decision, despite the presence of a spiritual guide, was mine to take.
It took me several years to do so but I finally did.
Life will not give you the easy way out. You will have to choose affirmatively to change your situation. You might have to do something you’ve never done before; take responsibility for your choices and decisions.
I didn’t wish to take full responsibility so I waited for my superiors to decide but that did not happen. The decision, despite the presence of a spiritual guide, was mine to take.
It took me several years to do so but I finally did.
Life will not give you the easy way out. You will have to choose affirmatively to change your situation. You might have to do something you’ve never done before; take responsibility for your choices and decisions.
You may have to turn back on your culture or your family. You may have to turn back to everything you know but in the process, you will become who you were meant to be.
5. The need to grow.
I wish I had this mind when I entered and I wish I had removed the blocks as easily as I do now. At the time of entering the convent and for most of my time there, I feared coming to terms with the reality that I wasn’t meant to be there. I was fearful of my true intentions because my true intentions would have forced me to leave.
You may have a nagging feeling about what you should do in life but you have to do it when the time is right for you.
You may have a nagging feeling about what you should do in life but you have to do it when the time is right for you.
When you decide to leave what no longer serves you, you have gone through the process of coming to take that big step. That act of faith and the readiness to act is growth.
Growth is nothing but God’s grace along your journey for self-understanding and awareness.
My life began anew when I left the convent. While I had entered the convent for all the wrong reasons, I know I left for all the right ones. Inside, I was hiding from myself and Christ. Outside, I was ready to be who I truly am and give myself completely to Him.
I have learned to see Christ everywhere. I could still love Him here outside through the people I meet in my workplace and in the streets.
I have let go of the habit but not the heart of a missionary for which I will always be.
I return all the blessings and graces I receive each and everyday ~ new insights and learnings ~ to God.
Leaving is never easy when you have so much uncertainty and fear to face but it is the path we must travel through to live our divine purpose.
What must you do today? What are you ready to leave behind? Where must you go?